The fear and the fear of not...being alone

Exploring the tipping point

Do not push fear down, it will only grow. Feel the fear, take it by the hand, and keep going.

I did some things I didn’t think I’d do in the face of fear during my divorce in 2022.

Here are 3 practices that got me through, in case you’re needing some support. If you want more support, reply to this email, and we can find a time to meet.

1. Belief in a higher power. When the going got tough in my life, I got tough enough to stop giving into the spiritual naysayers. Motherhood and divorce have required more belief in miracles, divine protection, and the power of breath than anything previous in my life.

   I was sitting in my car in a dark parking lot outside an office I rented to have “a room of one’s own,” wondering how the hell I was going to disassemble a life that had just barely been reassembled after moving from Massachusetts to California just 3 months prior.

   So naturally, I turned to Oprah. I was not an Oprah fan. I was simply searching my soul and thinking who has done some insane shit fearlessly? Oprah. She said something like, “you can do it alone, or you can do it together,” she was implying that you can get to where you’re going on your wiles alone, totally fine, but she nonchalantly and ever-so-convincingly said something like, “you’ll just get there exponentially faster if you believe something out there is protecting you.” So, I doubled down on the belief that I am divinely protected, repeating mantras in my head in moments of sheer terror. Note about mantras, you have to believe them at least a little bit, otherwise they can do more harm than good.

   1. Mantras I recently sent my client:

      1. I am divinely protected

      2. Everything is always working out for me (note: this does not mean everything is “good”, it means that good and bad are pushing you in the necessary direction in the context of this moment - get out of this country if you can.)

      3. I am here with you.

      4. Inhale: I trust. Exhale: I surrender.

      5. If you feel fear, say “fear” over and over (become the observer)

      6. If you feel yourself spiraling, say “temporary” over and over to remember feelings need to be felt in order to process

2. Tarot. I was so filled with “someone tell me what to do” vibes, so exhausted, and in quite an angry state around the fact that after so much hard, I would still have to make so many more hard decisions and be in charge of everything “all by myself,” when all I wanted to do is lay down. Pulling a tarot card daily, twice daily, as often as needed, gave me some relief. I repeatedly pulled the fool and the crone. A pretty clear metaphor for following your inner-child and your inner-old lady down the wise path. I had to root into delighting in risk-taking and curiosity as well as trusting my deepest wisdom and willingness to stand serenely in solitude, protecting the delicate and powerful internal flame.

3. Realizing being alone felt “real, but not true.” This phrase by Tara Brach is so perfect because it is 100% validating and 100% undermines whatever feeling, whatever lie we are telling ourselves. Things happen in life that make our body say “not safe! not safe” and our brain takes that and creates all sorts of thoughts, “this is like that one time that was terrifying, shut down, don’t move, you can’t do anything.” The body sends more messages to the brain than the brain to the body, even though it hardly feels that way. So that brings me to the catch-22 that we need to relax into fear, be unwilling to be paralyzed by it, and treat ourselves so well despite it.
   

4. Surrounding myself. Making “alone” impossible. Being more honest with friends than I had ever been. I always seemed to have a handle on things, and it is hard for someone like me to appear helpless, appear in need of support. I had to be super clear about it. “I need help.” At the moment of my divorce, I had 2 therapists, a coach, The Wise Women’s Council, a book club, and my friends and family. There is so much privilege in this, and I am so grateful. There is so much nuance in shaping life and family, and that’s what I love about the work I do. Brick by brick, we rebuild and we lighten the load.

And the often more challenging truth is knowing you are worth it, whatever is on the other side of fear.

Here’s a bit more on this not often enough spoken about topic. It gets a little personal, so I put it behind a paywall. Thank you so much to my paid subscribers for supporting me in doing this work. If you need access to this and can’t afford it, please reply and I will send it to you. If you would like to gift someone a subscription or get one for yourself, please do. I appreciate (and need) your support!

What got you from point A to B when it comes to the fearful/fearless spectrum? Please share your answers to this question in the comments to support my client and anyone else who is wondering what the tipping point vehicle might be to get past fear.

I can remember viscerally the fear of being alone…